Okay, here's the finished tree. Complete with a star.

my christmas tree in 2008

It's a rather dark-themed tree by default (dark red apples, brown sleigh bells -- which are really cute). I might drop by Target today to get some lighter ornaments. The bed skirt is a pillow case, by the way. So far the cats are leaving it alone, though I did just have to yell at Hobbes for trying to mess with the apple on the bottom right. Stupid cats.

ruminating while i burn CDs

I'm starting to feel festive. We went to get a Christmas tree last night and picked a cute 4' tall tree -- one that will be easily transportable when we move.

Did I mention that we're moving? We've been looking for a duplex in the area, and I need to make a few phone calls today about some on Cherokee Rd -- right down the street. This place is getting to be too expensive. :(

So anyway, I partially decorated the tree last night, but put off the rest for today when Matt will be at work. I swear to God. He can be so annoying...but he doesn't mean to be. I think I'm about to start my period or something -- I'm not usually this touchy. But it does make me sad that he won't enjoy Christmas with me. He says he doesn't like it because for 6 weeks out of the year, everybody goes crazy with buying and decorating and other festive things, and it doesn't make any sense to him. I mean, it doesn't make much sense to me, either, but why does it have to make sense??? PLENTY of other things don't make sense. I guess I've come easily to terms with that, but maybe Matt can't. Whatever. It still makes me sad.

So anyway. I'm listening to John Rutter's the Holly and the Ivy. I can't get it to stop being bold. Okay, now the "B" is pressed up on top, but it's not bold. See? Another thing that doesn't make sense -- but that's okay. I don't care.

And I'm burning Anonymous 4's Wolcum Yule, my second favorite Christmas CD. I think I'll shower after I'm finished with this blog, then maybe a trip to Provence? Or maybe I should go there for lunch. I guess I could spend the morning cleaning. It's rather messy around here.

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. I sorta just forget. I'm lying on the couch right now, grey fleece blanket keeping me warm (I'm going to try not to turn the heat up much more than the 63 it's set to right now...cheaper gas bills and all). Matt's in the bedroom, fiddling around on his bass. I really ought to be cleaning the kitchen right now, but the couch is so much more comfortable!

Today was the first Black Friday that I've actually ventured out to do some shopping. I've just been afraid of the crowds before and thought this year might not be so bad. Well, we went to Michael's first, because I needed more drawing paper. Then to Old Navy (on a whim) where we both got a new pair of jeans! I mean, they were 50% off! Went to McKays last. He got some chess books, I got the Frugal Gourmet Cooks Italian, or something very close to that. It looked too good to pass up. ...Oh yes, then grocery shopping.

I need to make some coffee. I'm feeling extremely groggy.... Maybe I'll do that as I'm cleaning the kitchen up.

Check out this map. It shows an increase in voter turnout and who those voters voted for. (You can see Davidson County -- it's that blue speck in the sea of red.) Click on the map to see the key.

Also, I don't have a new blog. I just haven't posted in a while. I'll probably write again later in the day....

what to have for dinner

I can't decide. I have steak and pork in the freezer. Here are my options.

1. Steak. (a) Pan-fired, with mashed potatoes probably -- I really love mashed potatoes. Um, onions. Green beans. (b) Stir-fry. Cut the steak into strips and cook it with bell peppers and onions, and I'm pretty sure I have some snow peas. Perhaps add some curry? I don't have any coconut milk, unfortunately. There's always soy sauce. And rice, of course.

2. Pork...hm. (a) I'd like to make Mom's barbecued chicken (or in this case, pork) and simmer the sauce down until it gets thick -- just to see how it turns out. We could have mashed potatoes, onions, and greens beans with this, too. (b) I could also cut it into strips and either fry or grill it. I think I like the barbecue sauce idea best, though.

3. Bread and Company. Yes, I could go for some tomato basil soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe the creamy turkey soup if we have it today. Somehow, I still don't have the soup schedule memorized.

flu shots and chocolate cake

I woke up quite refreshed after last night's inexplicable turmoil. My boyfriend loves me even when I don't make sense, which is very good.

I had to drive to Green Hills this morning to get a flu shot (complements of Bread and Company). It rained all day yesterday and I managed to dash outside mid-afternoon to roll up my windows. It didn't let up all night, so my seats were still soaking wet this morning when I went out there; I knew they would be so I brought out two garbage bags with me -- one to protect my jeans, one to protect my shirt. It worked well, but the humidity inside the car was such that my lousy defrost was totally unable to keep the windshield defrosted. I was constantly wiping away the condensation and sorta hunkering down as low as I could since the bottom of the windshield was clearer than the top. It was an adventure, and pretty dangerous too since a couple of my tires are almost bald.

Exciting, huh? I need a new car really badly. I wish I had some money to buy one. My Aunt Luci used to send us $50 savings bonds every year, and I figured out that mine are worth almost $300 right now -- not enough. Only one is near maturity (2014); the rest still have 20 years or so to go.

After the flu shot (from which I am suffering no symptoms, by the way...not even sore unless I touch it), I came straight home where I proceeded to slowly clean the apartment. It looks much nicer now. After cleaning the kitchen, I made a dark chocolate cake from Martha Stewart's recipe (the Food magazine Mom got me for my birthday last year). The cake is cooling in the kitchen now, and the ganache is in the refrigerator also cooling. It's not quite spreadable yet. I don't think I've ever made a ganache frosting, actually. We'll see how it turns out. The picture is beautiful....

I have Amelie on now as background noise, which it's perfect for since everything is in French.

It's only 1:30 now and I have no idea what I'll do with the rest of the day. Matt and I might end up going to Murfreesboro to see a friend of his. That might be enjoyable. We'll see.

hormones?

sometimes i feel very mentally imbalanced. my brain will tell me two things simultaneously: you're unhappy, and you have no reason to be unhappy so snap out of it. i usually blame it on hormones, which really would make sense tonight because i just started my period. but it's SO ANNOYING. and i can't do anything about it. i mean, i'm a rational person who doesn't go off the deep end because of her emotions. i guess i can control how people perceive my feelings, but not the actual feelings. i mean, a cleansing cry might be healthy now...but why? what am i crying about? i have no idea! i just...feel...sad!

poor matt is the catalyst a lot of the time. i don't know, maybe i'm subconsciously more annoyed at him that i realize. today, for example, he came home, sat down on the couch and opened the computer, and didn't get up until bedtime. which is incredibly annoying since in don't want to sit around watching tv all afternoon. i mean, i might as well be asleep. i know he was tired and i wasn't, since i slept until noon whereas he slept until 4:30am. but this happens all the time, even when we both work in the morning. i know i can say, "hey, let's do this," or simply amuse myself as i was so used to doing before meeting matt...but...i don't know, i just don't.

so, i mean, it's all entirely my fault. if i'm not willing to affect change, then nothing will change. duh. if i refuse to talk to him, he's not going to know what i'm thinking.

old habits die hard. i've never talked to anyone about my feelings so it's really hard. usually it ends up sounding bad whenever i do say anything...either i can't communicate effectively, or i just sound mad. so i don't usually speak up. sometimes i'll write something. but that's it. i'm learning, i guess, that i have to stop being this way. it's not good for either of us or our relationship. ugh.

have i mentioned that i don't like growing up?

Friday is still three days away...

Good morning.

I'm off today.

And tomorrow.

But am almost broke, again. I have to stop eating out -- that's what's costing so much. I checked my bank statement last night and it was $20 here, $35 there, $17 a different place, etc. So I'm probably going to stay home today and do free things, like clean. I might walk down to Kroger -- that sounds like it might be enjoyable. I'd just need to get some essentials like milk and stuff. Maybe I should plan out a few meals first.

Sunday was Andy Griffith Day (the fourth annual, I believe). Matt drove us to Knoxville because he's a dear; left Nashville around 8am and stopped by the church as soon as we arrived so that I could see old friends. Some of those folks I hadn't seen in quite a while! It's always pleasant (though sometimes can be nerve-wracking) to see everyone. They're all such nice people. (I should write Kathy Smith a letter....)

After everyone disbanded after church, we headed over to the house where lunch preparations had already begun. On the menu was hamburgers ("Naomi, the hamburgers are burnin'!"), baked potatoes (what Andy orders from the French restaurant -- I guess Mom isn't daring enough to fix escargot, which would be an appropriate dish since it also comes up when Peggy orders a dish for herself and for Andy), pickles of course, and apple pie for dessert. The pie was deliciously flaky because Anna Laura used lard in it. I mean, of course Aunt Bee cooked with lard..and bacon grease and all those awful fats. Yum.

We played the TAGS trivia game but Mom and Rosa were tied when we stopped. That game is always fun -- I wish there were people here who could play it with me. Ah, well.

Finally, we watched an episode of Andy on a projector in the back yard, which was pretty cool. I like watching things on the big screen. Matt and I had to leave after that, though, because we both had to work yesterday morning. Which means neither of us got much sleep that night, which is why Matt went to sleep at 8pm last night. Geez.

So that's what I did this weekend.

I've gotta get my car fixed. For real. Maybe this weekend? Matt's not being much help, which I supposed I expected...it is my car, after all. I don't know how to deal with mechanics, though, since I've never had to before. Gotta wait until I get paid at any rate, which probably will mean that I'll be broke for the next two weeks again. Blah.

That's enough...I can't think of anything else to say. Maybe I'll go back to sleep....

It's 9:30am. I woke up about 30 minutes ago. Unfortunately, I'm closing tonight, which always turns out to be better than I anticipate it to be. I should stop dreading it. I just checked my closing team and it's a good group of people. Shouldn't take us too long. (And why isn't "shouldn't" a word" For that matter, what about "isn't"? I use both of those words all the time!) Tomorrow I'm scheduled to open. I think Mark's been trying to get me to switch with him without actually asking me to... I haven't decided yet, though. It's either sleep in and get home late, or get up early and be home by 3pm. I like the latter better. Matt and I are driving to Knoxville Sunday morning for Andy Griffith Day, and this way we'll be able to get a good nights sleep? Or I will, anyway.

Eh, whatever.

So I was off yesterday too, and it turned out to be a pretty good day. I had lunch at Provence where I tried reading...but was unable to make myself concentrate for very long. (A bad sign, lack of discipline. I'll have to work on that.) After that I just came home and cleaned up, then ended up watching TV I think. Matt got home around 3 and we decided to go to Beaman Park for a hike through the woods. Ended up taking a wrong turn somehow which lead us to a newly constructed visitor's center (or something) that was locked and deserted. We walked down to the road and figured out how to get back to our original parking lot. Walking along the side of the road proved rather precarious, as there were not only no sidewalks, but in a lot of places there was no shoulder to speak of either. The cars were probably driving 50 mph through that stretch, too. Then, to compound our difficulties, we came upon some very mean-looking dogs who were barking and growling and were NOT on chains. They were so intimidating that we climbed up the side of the wooded hill on the opposite side of the road and hiked past them that way. I must have stepped in a million poison ivy plants, but don't itch this morning...which is good.

We finally got back to the car unharmed, though. Then went to Subway for dinner.

I haven't been watching enough Andy Griffith lately. I know I'm going to suck at the trivia game that we play every year. Usually I'm pretty good at it...but that was before Matt, who doesn't really like the show. He tolerates it very well if I want to watch it because he likes me, which is also the reason that he's going to Knoxville with me this weekend. I hope it turns out to be a good day. I'm a little bit scared to bring him to church, but we'll see. He's not very socialable.

Okay: I have four hours until I have to leave for work. Four hours is a while. How should I fill those hours? I really need to read Emma, but am a little scared to drive (car problems, you know) to Coco or anything. I might just have to deal. Of course, I could read here, too, but if I stay here I'm liable to fall victim to the temptations of TV and computer and sleep and all that goodness.

Speaking of TV and computer. I am unable to watch Grey's Anatomy online. It plays it, but the picture freezes up while the audio continues, make it impossible to watch. It's very annoying. I could do that all morning if I could just figure out how to get it to work.

You see, my bed is the most comfortable piece of furniture I have ever been in, especially if I've recently shaved my legs. The bed and pillows are great, of course, but the part that makes it so hard to get up are the organic cotton sheets. SO COMFORTABLE AND SOFT!!!!! You really should go buy a set. I bought these at Target. Occasionally they'll have them on sale, so you could get a queen set for $40 instead of $50, maybe. They're expensive, I know. But SO worth it -- if you don't already own two sets, as I do, making it impossible for me to justify purchasing more. (Oh, damn financial responsibility!)

I think that's all I have to say.

cleaning, with a rabbit-trail

It's 7:35am and I can't go back to sleep. This is fairly uncommon. The thing is, I would like to go back to sleep because I still feel tired...but I'm hesitant to allow myself the luxury of drifting back off since I really have a lot to do today. The apartment is in for some massive cleaning, and by "massive" I mean that I'll probably mop the kitchen and bathroom but nothing else.

(Which leads me to a rabbit-trail. My old friend Craig got mad at me once when I told him that I took everything he said with a grain of salt. Now, what I meant by that was that I judge everything he said based on everything I know of him...for example, he had a tendency toward exaggeration, so I always knew to be on my guard for that. I brought this up only because I was reminded of how your perception of "massive cleaning" is probably way off from mine.)

Anyway. I don't know where Hobbes is. Hope he didn't get outside somehow. I guess he'll turn up.

So, cleaning. --Because we're going to borrow Matt's dad's truck today to gake the old couch and chair (and a few other miscellaneous objects) to the dump, finally, and going to replace the white couch with Matt's greenish one. Which is already in the living room, and making it very hard to check the mail. So. I'll clean the bathroom, too. I might even do a bunch of laundry. We'll see.

But I do have so much time to accomplish all of this, since it isn't even 8am yet. So I think I might get a bagel at Coco and read Emma for a while. Then I'll come back and start cleaning.

God morgon!

which is to say, good morning! I assume that the internet does not lie to me when it tells me how to say "good morning" in Swedish (or any other language, for that matter). In the event that McCain wins the election, I may be moving to Europe, or possibly Canada or somewhere in middle America. Sweden sounds pretty appealing, though, just as long as I can learn the language. Which I am not attempting at this point. I'll let you know when/if i get serious about it. For real, though. Socialism is fine with me.

Anyway. So today is my second-day-in-a-row off. Yesterday wasn't much fun because of allergies, probably. I had slept with my contacts in, and when I woke up my left eye was very irritated. I took the contacts out, of course, and tried to go back to sleep to let my eye relax. It didn't help. The poor eye was swollen and watering all day yesterday. I could barely keep it open sometimes (which was worrisome as I had to drive to Bongo Java East for a coffee training session). (By the way, I learned how to make heart-shaped latte art. I'll be practicing at work all day tomorrow.)

So many rabbit-trails. My sinuses were also clogged all day yesterday. It wasn't much fun. Towards the end of the day, I developed a pretty big headache. I took some kind of PM cold medication (hoping it'd help with the congestion), some Ibuprofen, then went to bed. Now I'm feeling fine (though, apparently it's going to be a month or so before I'll stop waking up with a smoker's cough).

Here's my tentative plan for today. I'm going to get up soon (it's 8:22 right now) and go to Provence to get some reading out of the way. When I've read to my heart's content, I'll probably come back here and do some laundry, finish cleaning the kitchen, etc. We have lots of beer int he fridge...I'll probably consume a bunch of those throughout the day. Maybe. We'll see. I mean, as long as I'm productive in the first part of the day, it'll be fine.

Anyway. Oh my. Time to get up...?

Ah, yes. Another day. I'm closing tonight, and though I'm pretty much dreading it, I think it'll be an okay close. I have two really quick closers behind sandwich, and even though I'm short one person I think we'll be able to handle it. Blah, closing shifts. Means that I get to see Matt about 1 hour, since I'm asleep when he leaves in the morning, and he's asleep/wishing to be asleep when I get home at night. Ah, well.

We had a reinspection yesterday and scored a 93. That's much better.

I'm off tomorrow AND the next day! What am I going to DO with myself for two whole days???

Seems like I had a real reason to write. What was it? Damn, now I've forgotten.

Oh, maybe it was to inform you all that I've officially quit smoking? Yeah...it's been several days now. I got tired of coughing and never being able to breathe, so I broke my last two and threw them in the dumpster. I do miss it. I looked forward to getting off work every day and smoking a cigarette, finally being able to relax. They were an awfully nice accompaniment to beer. But, oh well. I can live without them (no pun intended).

I think I'll go to Coco and read before work. Or, I could stay here and clean before work. Naw, I'll do that tomorrow.

more thoughts

blogging from bed again, by the way. this time i'm fully clothed and only lying on top of the covers. if your bedroom and bed were so grand, you would want to spend all your time here too. it's mostly the comfortable sheets, the clean room, and the huge windows looking out on greenness and grey skies (and lots and lots of cars).

well, anyway. i was thinking --

i've completely let myself become one of those women who loses herself in her boyfriend. i guess i'm more independent than most people and have never needed many close friends...but now i've let friendships slide because matt monopolizes my time...and i kind of like it that way. is that bad? i'm so antisocial sometimes, and these last several months with matt have made me even more of a recluse. (well, "recluse" is a harsh word, but you know.)

brittany and i keep talking about how we need to get together. we haven't hung out since she found out that she was pregnant last year. we've seen each other, of course, but that's completely different. i really like brittany and think highly of her, so i don't want to lose her friendship. i get nervous when i think about getting drinks with her now, though, because of story (her baby), and i assume that she feels the same way. she -- i'm sure -- doesn't want to hurt my feelings or anything. now that she has a baby, she knows what it would be like to give hers away and can understand (more than before, anyway) what i feel. so we're probably both reluctant to be around each other. this is all guess-work, of course; we've never discussed it really.

more and more of my friends/aquaintences are going to get married and start families. carla and kyle might be the first of my siblings to do so, but probably all of them will end up with kids. amanda might get married and have children. kelli probably won't. katie probably will (years from now, i'm thinking; she's so responsible). i HAVE to be able to love my friends and their children without being jealous.

and you know, i really don't want to be jealous. i don't want to have children right now! i don't want to be raising a baby at this stage. maybe i'll want to later in life...not sure. matt's adamant about not having children and said that he wants a vasectomy as soon as he turns 25. he might be okay with adoption, he said, but definitely no biological kids. which is fine -- like i said, i don't want to be responsible for raising a child any time soon. but...you have to understand that my biology is stronger than my reason sometimes (a lot of the time).

oh, life. so complicated sometimes (a lot of the time).

i started emma this morning over a bagel and coffee. it's really an entertainingly-written book: jane austen was an excellent author. we'll see how quickly the reading goes. shouldn't be too bad.

bed seems to be the best place for blogging.

It's 8am -- 2.5 hours earlier than I woke up yesterday. Today, though, I have to work at 2pm (booo!). So I'm lying in bed, wondering how best to use the time between now and then. So many options.... I cleaned everything (except the bathroom) yesterday, so I can't spend the morning doing that. I might go to Provence for coffee and a pastry, perhaps. That's not too expensive.

Like I said, yesterday was very productive. I did several loads of laundry, and then folded and put all of them away. I cleaned the bedroom (it's looking fabulous) and the living room and the kitchen. I paid bills. I figured out what I have to do for the English Novel (I'll be reading Emma, Wuthering Heights, Mrs. Dalloway, and Great Expectations. The latter two I will have to buy, and possibly Wuthering Heights as well -- I have a kind of nice copy with wood-cut illustrations and whatnot. It's a pretty book, and I'm not sure about writing in it (as is my habit) or carrying it around all the time. We'll see.)

I'm kind of proud to say that I didn't smoke any cigarettes yesterday at all. I'm tired of not being able to breathe in the mornings (and sometimes it lasts/comes back later), and of coughing all the time. If you're reading this and you're a nonsmoker, I know what you're thinking because you've told me before so you needn't bother telling me again. Am I trying to quit? Not necessarily. Who knows what today will bring? I really am tired of not being able to breathe, though. It's not cool. Had to borrow an inhaler from one of Matt's friends last night because mine is long gone. I've been thinking about finding some over the counter asthma medication for times like last night.

And anyway, if I was to quit, it would save me about $60 every month. That's not bad.

Still hopelessly in love, by the way. I don't know if this will abate, but no signs of it yet.

Today I plan to get things done

(even though I'm still in bed at 10:33am)

It's my day off, of course. When I start my morning with a blog, the day is more likely to go as planned, I think. So.

1) Pay bills, figure out how much money I can spend at the grocery store, etc.
2) Make a list of used books to buy for the English Novel.
3) Clean the house, which includes but is not limited to the following: straighten the living room, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, pick up the clothes in my bedroom. If I'm bored but still want to clean, I can always mop.
4) Do laundry
5) Possibly do some grocery shopping, but I'll wait until Matt gets home for that.

I would rather eat lunch at Provence over the New Yorker, but I have to stop eating out. It adds up and gets expensive. So maybe I'll go make coffee and see what I can scrounge up for breakfast. We're out of eggs. I do have cereal, though.

Okay, off to get started being responsible. Have I mentioned how much I don't like being an adult sometimes?

oh, money...

After checking my bank account balance and not being pleased at all, I finally typed up a tentative spending plan: a way to budget my money. It's also not very pleasing, though I suppose I'll be glad in the long run. Ugh. I really hate dealing with money. The way I see it, I have about $200 extra every pay period, after taking out rent and utilities and gas and food and all that. That does not leave me with enough for a car, by the way, unless I skimp in other categories and never buy anything new ever again.

Which I really can't live with. I need spending money. Either that, or I need to figure out how to be content here at home. For some reason, I just really like eating lunch at Provence (for example), and getting coffee at Cafe Coco.

And what about new clothes? Maybe Matt doesn't care how he looks, but I sorta do, and I certainly care about how I look. Most of the time.

I'm fighting responsibility here. Don't want it. I want to go on living in financial oblivion; obviously that isn't really an option. Getting older means that you have to start acting like an adult.

I guess I can clean and do laundry all day. That doesn't sound unappealing, actually: I've been enjoying cleaning lately. Which is strange, I know. Sometimes I think that I'm stranger than I'd ever originally noticed. Hmm.

Actually, I need to go to the DMV to renew my tags. They expire in two days. I can write a check for that, right? Because I sure as hell shouldn't use my debit card....

Kicking and screaming, man. At least I have Matt, who is much more inclined toward financial responsibility than am I. He makes a lot less than I do, too. He's toying with the idea of working at TSU (Tennessee State University) which would be a pay cut...but he'd get free tuition or something. I think it's a bad idea, personally. We'll see.

being home

I woke up at 8am and was not sleepy (I slept/dozed most of the day yesterday, and went to bed early), so I put in some laundry and went to Provence to read. The weather today is so much better than yesterday -- in the 80's and not nearly as humid as it's been lately. After Provence, I decided to buy a pair of shoes and headed for Target, where, having decided that I couldn't possibly allow myself to splurge on a new pair of shoes, I bought cat litter and catnip and a new pillow instead. Incidentally, Seamus loves the catnip. Hobbes might like it as much if Seamus would quit hogging it all.

So now I'm at home and needing to go to work in about 90 minutes. I cleaned the kitchen and suppose that I could clean the bedroom, too...but...I don't feel like it.... I think the constant mess in the bedroom aggravates Matt, maybe. He probably wants to nag me about it more than he does. I'm very lazy, I know; the terrible thing about it is that I feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself when I'm not lazy! I feel accomplished. Hm. Maybe I should clean, just as a gesture to Matt.

Speaking of, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with him when Mom and Anna Laura come up this weekend. I don't think they know that we're living together -- unless they read this blog (please speak up if you do...) or were able to figure it out when they came to see Sarah. And it shouldn't really matter, but it might. I don't know. I mean, the chances are pretty good that we'll stay together for quite a long time/get married anyway, but you know.

I'll figure it out. The other part is that Matt doesn't like being around people very much, unless he already knows them. He doesn't even like spending time with his family, let alone mine. He'd probably rather be off somewhere reading or playing chess or poker or something useful like that. Which isn't really cool, but I can deal. I'll make him spend some time with them, anyway. Maybe they'll hang out places other than my apartment, so he can just stay here.

So...clean the bedroom. Stop being lazy. Right.

chapel?

I was supposed to be off today ... but our other manager who has been in Sweden for the last three weeks has not called...and his phone is off. So I have to close. Again. This job is just wearing hard on me lately -- it's too much.

So I went to see Dr. Hearn today. He had good news -- it may be possible for me to take either an online Bible class or an independent study class to get out of chapel probation. Apparently chapel is only required two days a week starting this fall, and because I'm unable to attend classes because of my work schedule, Dr. Hearn thinks this might work. Which would be GREAT. Dr. Reed changed the syllabus for the English Novel this year, modernizing the works a bit, which will make finishing that class more enjoyable (probably). I could officially graduate in December, get a new job, and possibly move. My verbal agreement with Bread and Company will be up in January, and so will my lease. Amanda's going to move out then. We'll see what happens.

I cleaned the kitchen today, went to see Dr. Hearn, and mailed a bunch of bills, but am not feeling any better really. But I have a wonderful, brilliant boyfriend whose hair looks like Alexander the Great's hair, and that does make me feel a bit better.

some thoughts

So it's about 12:30 on Monday. I'll probably be leaving for work in about an hour...gotta go by the post office for much-needed stamps.

I am in love. And it's really weird. We've only been together for about 9 months, which really isn't very long at all. Before that, I was the most independent person you'd ever met; I drew fulfillment from myself, basically -- not God or work or anything. Just me. Now I draw fulfillment from Matt -- or at least, I do to a large degree. I mean, I can do stuff with friends or by myself and have a good time, but in the back of my mind I'm always wishing to be with Matt. (Sappy, I know. Sorry.) Is it bad? Is it good? I don't really foresee either of us breaking up with the other...ever? I'm happy and comfortable with him, and he feels the same about me. Did it happen too quickly? Nine months isn't very long...especially to be speaking (in vagueness and veiled terms) of marriage!

I was thinking on the way home from my Provence lunch excersion that I need more mysticism in my life. I miss it. A lot. I don't read much poetry lately...and worse than that, I don't appreciate the everyday beauty as much either -- just because I don't pay attention to it! Work totally bogs me down some days, but not every day. The big problem...is that Matt doesn't seem to notice beauty. He enjoys being outside, but for different reasons. We're so compatable, but our underlying motives are almost never the same. Is that a bad thing? Or does it matter? And why am I asking all these questions?

Maybe because I've been down in the dumps, so to speak. I'm trying to climb my way out by remembering what I've enjoyed doing before, and what has worked to pull me out of my past ruts. Reconnecting with nature and with god and with love -- the things that I truly believe are important -- seems to usually brighten my perspective on life.

I have no ultimate goals or dreams, though, other than the desire to be happy wherever I am. Ugh. I feel so lost sometimes. (When I don't feel lost, it's probably because I'm not paying attention.) I have Western ideals pretty much indelibly carved into my brain, and along with those ideals comes Christianity and all it's teachings. ...I'm reading a book called God's Problem right now, hoping that it will give me some guidance. The author is a well-educated Biblical scholar who used to pastor an evangelical church, but turned from all faith because of the problem of theodicy. I don't have such a problem with this issue -- I believe that the Bible is in no way Absolute Truth and don't have a problem reconciling that at all. But still. Where do I find guidance? How do I know?

Sorry this entry has been a little scattered. I haven't been reading or writing nearly enough lately. I really want to take control of my life and manager my time better. My life has been FLYING BY lately, and I don't like it.

what will this day be like, I wonder...

I just woke up. It's 11am. I'm off today, but have a lot that I wanted to get done. However, I'm feeling dreadfully unmotivated and lazy right now. I'm going to have to make myself get out of bed. Oh well.

Right, so as soon as I DO get out of bed, here are the things that I need to get done. I'm typing this as a blog mostly for my own use; I don't have paper and pen within reach. Matt cleaned up yesterday.

1. Exercise. I may or may not do this. I've been trying to use that strange exercise machine that Kelli left and I never got around to getting rid of. It's better than nothing.
2. Shower.
3. Clean the kitchen and the living room. That shouldn't take more than an hour (they're both very messy).
4. Birth control. I have maybe two of the placebos left.
5. Write some checks, pay some bills.

Damn, none of that stuff looks any fun at all! Oh, for heaven sake. I don't want to do any of it except take a shower and get birth control. Then I want to go to Provence or something to eat lunch and read.

Okay, I'll compromise with myself. Maybe I'll do 15 minutes on the Gazelle (the exercise thingie), take a shower, do the dishes, then go to Planned Parenthood, and do the rest this afternoon. That sounds like a good compromise.

This is worth mentioning -- Matt and I went to Southern Thrift the other day (it was my whim; we were there for Dragon Garden take-out) and I ended up spending close to $50 -- a hefty tab for a thrift store, I know. I found a cast iron Martha Stewart brand skillet for $20 for one. The rest was spent on books. I think I bought five? There was a Edna St Vincent Millay book (collected poetry), a book of Robert Browning's collected poetry, a collection of the Sir Peter Wimsey stories by Dorothy Sayers, a history of Greece by Will Durant (I think), and a book called the Adoption Reader. I mean, what finds!!! I usually don't even both with books at thrift stores since they typically never have anything good.

Maybe I'll start the Dorothy Sayers after I finish this Carson McCullers book. The Adoption Reader is going to be hard to read. I started it the other night and had to put it down because it was making me cry. Well, it was making me weepy ... this made me start to cry --

Popcorn. Birthday cake. Packing school lunches: one sandwich, one fruit, one snack, one drink. Eating popsicles in the parking lot of the pool. Chocolate chip cookie dough. Flaming marshmallows held too closely to the coals.

I have cried over all the things I haven't gotten to share with him. I have cried over that child for twenty-one years. I have cried because I'm worried for him, and I have cried, knowing that he is the only one in this world who could chase away my loneliness.

So, yeah. You would cry, too.

Okay, enough of bed and blogs. Time to finally get up....

boondocks season 2 is out!

Things have been more interesting since I posted that last blog. I was in a funk that day, or something. Eh, it happens.

For the 4th of July, Matt and I hiked to the Stone Door, a crack in a huge rock which has been used to get from the top of the gulch to the bottom (and vice versa) for thousands of years. The trail is in South Cumberland State Park, and the particular route that we took was about 10 miles long. It was a great trail -- about 4 miles walking across the top of the ridge, 1 mile straight down to the gulch, another 4 miles or so along a dry riverbed (not dry the last time Matt hiked it), and then a mile straight uphill to the top of the ridge. The hard part was the straight uphill bit, of course. That didn't last very long, though I did have to stop frequently. Heh. We hiked it all in 5 hours, which really ain't so bad. I need to exercise more, though. For real.

Here's a sad story. (Kelli, this will answer your question about Atlanta.) So we saw on [adult swim] (I kinda like the way that looks) that Dethklok -- the band in Metalocalypse -- was touring and playing in Atlanta. So, on a whim, we got tickets. The website said that it started at 7:30, but that didn't really make sense -- probably it meant that the doors open at 7:30. Dethklok probably wouldn't go on before 9:30, surely. So we stopped off in Murfreesboro to chat with some of Matt's friends, and finally got into Atlanta around 8pm, maybe. To leave out some unnecessary details, by the time we got to the venue, they were playing their last song. It was extremely disappointing. I mean, seriously. What with tickets and gas, that was over $100 down the toilet. Sucks, right?

Oh well, I'm over it. What can you do? It was a joyless drive back, though.

And... oh yes, I got the cats neutered, finally. They certainly haven't been pissing on everything, which is a welcome change! They've kinda seemed to mellow out some, too. It's a little strange. Hobbes is snoozing between my knees right now, for example. Well, I guess that isn't really an example. But whatever. It only cost $60 for the both of them -- I was expecting more like $60 per cat.

Sarah's birthday is in two days. Janet keeps telling me that they're going to drive down to Nashville sometime this month.... I was kinda hoping they'd invite us to a birthday party, or something, but maybe that's too much. Sigh....

my little rut

Here's what my life looks like. On days that I open, I wake up at 5:45, get to work around 6am, work until around 3 or 3:30, go home, ask Matt what he wants to do with the rest of the day. Usually we don't do anything. Sometimes we stay home and cook dinner, watching TV until it's time for bed. Sometimes we go out for dinner, sometimes we go to Cafe Coco and read, sometimes we go to the Springwater. Those last three activities are listed based on the frequency with which they happen...meaning that we haven't been to Springwater in a while. Anyway, after some TV (always some TV), we go to bed.

On days that I close, I wake up around 10 or 10:30 and then do basically nothing until whenever I decide to go to work. The schedule says to be there at 2, but it's flexible. I try to be there around 1 or 1:30 anyway. I work until about 9:30, go home, maybe eat something (I don't like B&C food), watch some TV, go to bed.

And then it repeats.

This is getting SO boring. I'm stuck in such a rut. I don't like it. There is no newness in my life...or am I just blind to it?

I think I might move the TV so that watching it is less instinctual. I've never liked having a television set as the focal point of a room. Maybe I'll put it in the corner and put my globe in it's place. Hmm.

AGH! What can I do today that's different? Maybe I'll go...to...uh, I don't know. Am I too co-dependent? Whoever would have thought I would let myself get this caught up in a boyfriend. For heavens sake. Maybe I'll just go to work early and do something novel tomorrow.

I have the stupidest cats....

But that's irrelevant.

Yesterday was lovely. My one day off this week, I slept in until Matt called around 11:00 to see if I could take him to Bread and Company on his lunch break. I was a bit late (there are too many parking garages at the Green Hills Mall), so we got the food to-go and finished eating when we got back to the garage. My dear Skylark (really Carla's dear Skylark, Frida) hasn't been doing so well lately; she likes to overheat in stop-and-go traffic (such as you might find in Green Hills), so I decided to browse around the mall whilst the car cooled down.

Of course, Victoria's Secret's semi-annual sale is going on as I type. I'm a sucker for that sale -- they have such good bras at such good prices! I mean, $20 instead of $50? I like that kind of price. So I bought a bra and a terrycloth robe and a tube of that magical lip gloss. That stuff is usually $18 but was only $12 -- still a lot to pay, yes, but this stuff really is amazing. It makes your lips sting.

Right. So after that I decided to leave (since I have to start paying back my student loans this month...which means that I really shouldn't have splurged at all). On second thought, I decided to see if there were any showings of Sex in the City coming up in the next hour or so...and there was -- the first show was at 1:20. So I went, and trivial as a Louis Vuitton bag (rental or not) is, I did actually enjoy the movie. I'm not going to be critical about it now, though I will mention that it wasn't as good as the show. That should be a given though.

At any rate, I felt euphoric upon leaving the theater. I drove straight home and began to shower love on my dear boyfriend who I am determined to never break up with over anything stupid. People sure can be stupid.

Anyway. I did laundry and straightened my bedroom...the latter looks quite nice now, excepting the stack of books and baskets of laundry over there in the corner. Just ignore that -- I do.

Yep. I have impeccable taste.

We made fajitas last night. More accurately, Matt made fajitas (and then cleaned up). They were delicious. And I think that's about it. We watched Little Miss Sunshine, and then had to go to bed. I'm closing today, so still have plenty of time to lounge around in my lovely bed.

Hormones, man. They suck.

good morning?

I feel like crap. But it's all in my head -- physically, I feel a little fat, but otherwise just fine. There are so many things running in circles in my head, leaving me kind of anxious and bothered.

For one, there's Sarah. She was born one month from today. Brittany just had her baby a couple of days ago. I watched Juno for the first time on Saturday. I emailed Philip and Janet two or three days ago and haven't heard back from them yet. ...The movie was good, by the way. I watched it by myself (Matt had to go to his brother's faux bachelor party), and the only way you'd understand how I cried is if you had been there. I mean, thinking about the end of the movie yesterday as I was wiping down tables at work almost had me in tears again. Seventy percent of the young women in Belle Meade seem to always be pregnant, and I want to tell them how lucky they are...to be able to love and care for and raise their children. (Of course, I don't think those Belle Meade people should be reproducing with the zeal that they do, but that's not my point at all.)

It's so, so terrible. I don't like going through all of this again. It it because of the weather? Is it because of Brittany? Is it because she's my daughter and I'll never get over her?

Maybe I'll try to visit again. I wish I had a car that I could trust to drive up there.

I'm noticing myself getting mad at customers lately. I mean, that's not any good. I want to be compassionate and patient with them -- not angry! I can't figure out what's changed, either. Except the weather. Oh God, I hate summer.

10:48am ---

I feel better, having slept more and showered. I'm clean and smell like honeysuckles. Mm.

I don't want to go through life crying whenever I see babies. It's not cool. But I can't help it.

me being annoyed.

I have not been enjoying life lately. It's become monotonous and tiring. Let me explain my current work situation -- we're very short-staffed (so much that we're missing an entire closing shift this whole week). On top of that, James and I are the only two managers (the other told us a week in advance that he was quitting). Even better -- James is putting in his notice, too. This leaves me. Right now, since there are only two managers running the store, we both work seven days. Tomorrow is my short day -- 6:30-9:30am.

I'm tired almost all the time. I don't have energy or motivation to do anything hardly except stay at home and watch TV. This makes me feel stagnant and worthless after doing it for long enough. I need something different. I wanted to take a day trip to Chattanooga tomorrow since I get off early, but Matt decided that he was going to work on his apartment all day. Which annoys me since he's had ample time to work on it before now. We're not going to have the opportunity to up and drive to Chattanooga every week. Damn it.

So I'm trying to think of interesting things to do in Nashville. But Nashville is just boring sometimes! It's my lack of friends, maybe. I don't really have any. I barely see Amanda ever. Brittany cut off communication when she got pregnant. Kelli and Katie both live in different cities. I'm not allowed to fraternize with my coworkers. I miss having friends.

Frustration, man. Maybe if I go back to sleep, I'll feel better.

addendum

I just checked the mail and received a Mother's Day card from Kathy Smith. Which made me cry. (surprise, surprise)

I need to clean the apartment. The unfortunate thing about that is that I don't want to. I'd rather chill at a coffee shop the whole afternoon. Who likes to clean? It seems like I just did that! All those dirty dishes in the sink....

Work has been AWFUL lately. Steeplechase went very well though -- everything went out perfectly. I'd been at work an awful lot leading up to Steeplechase and was absolutely sick of it. Yesterday, being Mother's Day, we were slammed. James didn't come in, and Drew called out around 11am because he was sick (oh, poor boy). When 1:30, the usual shift-change time, rolled around, I was the only manager in the store. I told Drew to call James and then expected that one of them would show up...but no, neither of them did. And I couldn't get in touch with either of them, either. I wanted to cry. Amanda (blessings on her soul) came in around 3 to close the store. She hadn't actually worked in the store in a month or two, but apparently had today off. Oh, what a dear!

I'm off today and hoping that nobody calls me in and asks me to close.

I've gotta go to the doctor for an annual at 4, anyway. NOT looking forward to that. It's gonna be expensive, too. Blah.

I think that two people wished me a happy Mother's Day -- Sharon (at work), and Ryan. I was touched, but not really surprised that they were the only two. :(

Today!

I am still in bed. I have been awake over an hour. I did get out of bed once (and am still wearing only a sarong) to make myself some eggs, but I returned promptly as soon as they were done.

But I'm not going to be lazy today. I'm going to go take a shower. Then I'm going to make some coffee and start organizing our clothes into "clean" and "dirty" piles. I'll probably put at least one load into the washer before I leave.

Then I have to go order more contacts. My 6-month supply is already up somehow, so I need more. I also have to pick up some more birth control today. That supply is diminished as well.

And then I'm coming back home to CLEAN. The apartment's pretty messy and disorganized, and I really ought to do a better job of not letting it get so cluttered. Discipline!

Lastly, Mom got me a subscription to Everyday Food (a Martha Stewart publication). It's a great little magazine -- full of recipes and tips and all that. So I thought I'd plan a few meals for this week and go buy ingredients. That's being responsible, isn't it? We always eat out, which is quite expensive.

Okay. I just wanted to get my thoughts in order. I may post a follow-up blog.... Off to shower and make coffee now.

post script:

i'm starting to burn out at work...even though we just got a 95 on our health inspection...blah.... if only i could take off another month or two to remind myself of how much i do appreciate structured activity (and a steady income).

so it's 1:45pm, and I've basically done nothing so far today. I have a meeting at the Cool Springs B&C at 3:30, and then I'm going to Belle Meade to close. so it's a short day -- maybe six or seven hours (as opposed to 10). that would be great if the shifts I'm working were the other way around (morning instead of afternoon/night)...oh well.

I'm drinking some coffee to try to get my ass rolling. feeling pretty groggy so far. I think that comes from spending hours in bed. which I've done today.

whenever I feel emotions that are out of the ordinary, I attribute them to hormones. that being said, I miss Matt.

also, I had two really weird dreams this morning. I dreamed that I cheated on Matt with Dave, and also something about genuinely sobbing about Sarah. the weirdness. I have no idea....

the pollen makes my nose run

or something. Yesterday I couldn't breath out of my left nostril at all, and my nasal cavities felt like they were on fire. My throat hurt, too. So I feel like I have a minor head cold -- manageable, right? It's just a cold. But on top of that, I woke up at 9:45ish to my phone ringing. It was work. Why am I on call? Anyway, I worked from 10:30 am to 10:00 pm yesterday. That's not SO bad. I mean, I've done it before. But the icing on the cake is the fact that I'm about to start my period and am horribly, awfully hormonal right now. I felt like crying all day yesterday. The silliest things would put me over the edge, like the customers who demanded free food (at least three of them yesterday), or Matt being asleep when I got home.

But...I think today will be better. I'm off and I'm not feeling as sick as yesterday. My nose is still clogged, but it doesn't feel bad otherwise. My throat isn't sore anymore. I'm not going to get called into work early (or at all).

I think that I might go buy a bunch of flowers for all my empty terra cotta pots. I do enjoy flowers. They make me happy.

I missing having friends sometimes. Too bad the cats can't talk....

I sure am horrible at blogging lately -- my apologies.

It's Monday morning, 10am. I'm lying in bed, having recently woken up. Have to work at 1:30 and I'm NOT going in early. I'm supposed to work 50 hours/week since I'm on salary now, so I've been trying to get close to 10 hours in every day since I've been scheduling myself two days off...but this week I only get one.

Matt and I were both off yesterday, and it was great. We had breakfast at Waffle House, then he took me to Target so that I could buy some new clothes. Because I enjoy buying new clothes. I ended up also buying new sheets (they're green and floral and pretty!) and a shower curtain. Didn't need the sheets. Did need the shower curtain.

...Afterwards, he wanted to stay home and watch sports. I find sports (unless it's football or the Lady Vols playing basketball) rather boring and pointless, so I went to Cafe Coco to try to read one of the books I had just purchased at McKay's. (Got a Norton Critical Edition (NCE) of Faust for only $3 -- what a find! I also bought the NCE of the Sound and the Fury because I thought/think it'd be easier to read than the edition I already had of it. And I want to read that book at some point in my life because 1) I love Faulkner, 2) I love Southern lit, 3) the book's supposed to be great.)

Anyway. Didn't spend much time at the coffee shop because it was rather cold. I did run into Sarah Hailey, an old acquaintance from back when I went to RUF at Belmont. I run into her every few months and we sit down and catch up usually. Every time I see her, I think I need to hang out with her. I want to get to know her better. And I usually even say that. But it hasn't happened. We'll see. Maybe I'll try calling her sometime this week.

I need to get out of bed. Maybe take a shower and make something for breakfast....

I seem to only write blogs on my days off

I was off on Easter Sunday this year, but didn't end up going to Knoxville. It was a shame, too -- I woke up around 10:30 maybe, and really wanted to be with family. Ah, well. Maybe I'll try to visit on Rosa's birthday.

At any rate, yesterday was an excellent day off, and I don't know if I'll be able to top it today (somehow, I have two back-to-back days off this week). ...I went to Kroger first because I needed quarters to do laundry...and purchased some flowers while there. I did three loads of laundry and cleaned the whole apartment (minus Amanda's room, of course). It took me all afternoon, which was fine. I have such a strange relationship with cleaning. Sometimes it's the last thing in the world that I want to do, so I don't do it. I don't like cleaning while other people are around, either. Don't know why. But yesterday the weather was gorgeous, NPR was on (I listened to an entire afternoon of NPR yesterday -- "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me," "The Splendid Table," "A Prairie Home Companion"), and I thoroughly enjoyed cleaning up.

Afterwards Matt and I went to the Brewhouse and came back to watch the first half of the Amityville Horror which was on sale.

So today I have nothing pressing to do. I could go to Provence and read. I could go to Cafe Coco. I could stay in, reading or drawing or watching TV. So many options. Hmmm.

I have the most decadent life.

It's kind of ridiculous sometimes. Because...I mean, I don't have a family to take care of. I'm not married so I don't have those obligations/responsibilities. All I really have to do is take care of myself...which isn't very hard. This means that on days that I have to be at work at 1:30, such as today, I can stay in bed and do absolutely nothing until I have to leave. That is exactly what I've been doing this morning, and it's been wonderful.

Did I mention that I have a new bed? Oh, yes. It's AMAZING. I spent around $600 on it (basically my whole tax return), but it's a nice one and I'm sure that I'll have it forever. It's sooooo comfortable! It's a queen (I've only had twin size beds my whole life...except for that once when I shared a queen bed with Anna Laura)...and I bought those organic sheets from Target that I really like. I can't quite put into words how much I like this bed.

Anyway. I got plenty of sleep last night, so I've been dozing off and on this morning, setting my alarm in case I actually fell asleep. This dozing also includes listening to a Prairie Home Companion, finishing a story in the New Yorker, buying two new albums on iTunes (Jim Croce and the Wailin' Jennys -- the latter was on APHC and was rather impressive), eating two oranges and drinking some hot chai, blogging, watching a news report on roommate counseling (on which they spelled "roommate" two ways, one with two "m"s and one with one "m"), and texting Matt. It's been a great morning.

Plus, I cleaned my room last night, excluding the dresser and bookshelf which are still disorganized. The floor is mostly free of clothing and is also swept. The bedside tables are clean. Both have yellow hydrangeas and candles on them. It's so nice. I have such good taste.

I cleaned the living room and the bathroom, as well. Actually, I only mostly cleaned the bathroom. I need to wash the shower curtain but ran out of quarters. I'll get more at work tonight.

I've enjoyed work a lot more lately (as in, the last few months) than I have before. I think it's because I'm driven to reach a goal there...but whatever the reason, I think it's great. I don't dread going to work anymore -- I even kinda enjoy it sometimes. It's a very, very, very good thing. I hope I don't burn myself out soon. The whole management team really needs to start getting two days off every week.

I'm off to do more perusing on the internet. Maybe. Or maybe I'll read the article in the lastest National Geographic about animal intelligence. That looked interesting.

First item: my promotion at work was made official today. I'm now making $10,000 MORE every year. This makes me happy! The job is a step up from what I've been doing, but I think it should be pretty easy...ish. We'll see. I am now authorized to fire people. I'm going to be doing hiring, too, and scheduling. It should be interesting. (I don't have to wear an apron or hat anymore. I'm more than happy to get rid of the hat, but I'm going to have to buy some roomier-around-the-waist jeans or lose weight before I feel comfortable walking around with a polo shirt tucked into my jeans. Yuck. But of course, I want to lose weight anyway.) ...Even though I've learned lots of people/social skills through Bread and Company, I still don't like having to be confrontational with the employees at work. I guess that's not something that you ever get over, though. Nobody likes firing people.

Second item: I'm locking my door all the time now (or...I'm trying to remember to lock it all the time). Why? Matt and I were watching Fried Green Tomatoes last night when a guy who was employed as an assistant manager at B&C for about two weeks dropped by. He was drunk or high or something -- basically unable to form (or at least communicate) a cohesive thought. I should have told him to leave since he was being loud and very annoying, but I didn't. I'm too polite sometimes. I don't know if "polite" is the right word. At any rate, he ended up trying to kiss me in the kitchen and hitting Matt (like...not just a slap). After Matt got mad at him and told him to leave. The guy was in the Marines and apparently it really fucked him up in the head, because last night was utterly ridiculous. He could have had a knife or a gun in his car.

Third item: it's been snowing off and on all day, and it's been SO gorgeous. This is the best kind of snow: big, dry flakes that melt when they touch the ground. Lovely.

Fourth item: I put duct tape on Hobbes' and Seamus' hind paws today because I was bored. Seamus was pretty chill about it, but Hobbes was pretty hilarious. I really, really, REALLY want to trim the whiskers on one side of Seamus' head...but that's just too mean. Maybe I'll do it the next time he pees on my clothes, when I'm good and mad at him.

Fifth item: I made mulled wine last night, and it was good. I ran out of cinnamon sticks and whole cloves, so it wasn't as good as usual. I need to go the International Market on Belmont to get more cinnamon sticks. I like wine. Tasty stuff. I think Matt and I are going to Dalt's tonight where they have 2 for 1 well drinks on Wednesdays. Kelli, if you're reading this, I think of you every time I hear the word "well" (when it's describing drinks, that is).

Sixth item: there isn't one.

I'm being a little emotional right now....

I knew that giving Sarah up for adoption/getting knocked up in the first place would be a life-changing event...so I don't know why I'm surprised to still be feeling this way so often.

A fellow English major at Lipscomb is pregnant. I think we were in the same graduating class. Our circumstances are fairly similar -- both from a religious background, both went to Lipscomb, both broke up with our respective boyfriends after finding out that we were pregnant. But she decided to keep her daughter, and apparently she just had a baby shower because she's just been tagged in a bunch of pictures on Facebook.

And ... do you know how sad those pictures make me? How they make me want to cry?

I ... I'm a little afraid of being emotional, I think. This whole thing with Sarah has put me in touch with emotions and taught me a bit of how to deal with them, but feeling all this still seems unnatural.

Which is bullshit, because it's completely natural for a mother to grieve losing her daughter. (A decision I don't regret for a second...but a decision that I wish to God I had never had to make.)

*sigh*

a somewhat reluctant admission:

I think that I can admit that I'm addicted to coffee. For the longest time, I would drink a lot some days but none other days. Lately, I have at least four shots of espresso every day that I work (which is 6 out of 7) and when I woke up today, I had a headache.

So I made some coffee (coffee presses are the only way to go, by the way), and now I feel better.

Damn.

$$money$$

Dollar signs are so tacky.

I just did three very productive things.

1. I e-filed my tax return. (I'm getting twice as much money this year as last year. Don't know why. But I think I'm going to buy a new bed. Katie gave me her old one, and it makes me so nervous. It's a very pretty wooden frame, but not stable. It creaks and moans whenever I sit on it. Plus, it's a twin bed. A bigger one would be very nice.)

2. I'm way ahead on my credit card payments, which is great. (Just paid online.)

3. I paid my Comcast bill, which was huge and late. I kinda forgot about it.

So, I have all my money-related issues out of the way for the time being. Next pay check I'll have more bills, but I don't need to think about that for another week at least.

All this faux-productivity (because, really, I've been lounging on couch doing all this stuff on the computer, which makes it hard for me to claim to have been really truly productive) makes me want to clean up. The dishes are piling up, and I need to sweep everywhere. ...Which I'll do in a few minutes. Just as soon as I post this.

My horoscope for today was interesting. I don't give daily horoscopes a bit of credibility, mind you. I do read them sometimes, though. Just 'cause they can be interesting. Today mine told me, "Seek substantial nourishment. You can't build muscle on a stead diet of candy. In much the same way, brainpower is built through stimulating conversation and a diet of factual information." That's pretty spot-on advice for me right now. I've been spending my time eating and watching the Simpsons lately -- not substantial nourishment. It's making me feel lazy. (Um, that statement was perhaps a bit circular, I know.) BASICALLY, I need to start reading more and more. Lots lots more. That, and I need to awaken my artistic side. I haven't been doing much of that lately at all. I'm thinking that maybe some Oliver Sacks would be good. That...and maybe some theology or philosophy.

Now, to clean up. (Later, I have an excuse to go shopping -- I only have on pair of jeans that I can wear to work, having gotten paint on my other good pair. The third pair is falling apart anyway.)

shredded paper towels, etc.

this apartment wouldn't be so hard to keep clean if the cats didn't live here. i sorta left a roll of paper towels in the dining room (on a shelf, mind you), and every time i come back home the pieces are smaller and smaller. probably there will just be a bunch of paper towel dust in there pretty soon. i guess i could sweep it up...and probably will....

today has been odd so far. it's my day off, so i woke up around 10am and eventually made my way to provence for lunch. (i ran into stacia there -- mark freeman's wife -- and she recognized me! i was surprised considering the fact that purple aprons and hats make everyone look pretty much the same.) after provence i went somewhere else to get something else (it's not what you're thinking, i promise). then i ended up at cafe coco where i successfully worked a sudoku.

but i've felt out-of-synch with the universe today. i don't know why. and i can't even explain it other than to say that my alignment was off. something wasn't right. (i'm home now, and other than having a headache, everything's back to normal.) i want to take a nap but am afraid that when i wake up, it will be worse. sometimes naps are wonderful; other times, they're just disorienting.

so i think i'm going to take a bath. baths are so DELIGHTFUL!! i love them.

but before that, i'm going to find individual vases for each of the dozen roses i bought at the fresh market earlier today. some of them might have to go in beer bottles because i don't know what happened to all my perrier bottles. probably in blanche.

(flowers and sunny days and baths. ahhhh.) (and i'm listening to john rutter. ahhhh!)

this is what happened to me this morning.

Work wasn't so great today. Nothing big happened to stress me out, but I think it was several small things. Perhaps it also had something to do with the fact that I hadn't eaten (unless you count caffeine as a food), since I just ate some leftover pizza and already feel better. I hate having to be anal about keeping rules that I thing are silly. (For example, we're not allowed to give people regular cups if all they want is water...and customers don't understand the reasoning behind that so they just get mad at us since we won't give them what they want. I'd just as soon give them a regular cup if they ask -- most people don't even ask. But I can't be inconsistent. Ugh.)

Brittany came in to work today. I was on break so I sat down and talked to her for a couple of minutes. She has such a basketball-belly. I almost forget that she's pregnant until I see her. (She's really cute.) Seeing her elicits such mixed feelings in me, which drives me crazy. On one hand, I'm happy for her and Austin, of course. On the other hand though, it just reminds me of Sarah and how she's in Kentucky, not here. I still get weepy about it very occasionally. I haven't been hanging out with Brittany lately (actually, not even once since she found out that she was pregnant -- and we were going out several times a week before that)...is there a subtle reluctance on both sides? I wonder if she feels slightly uncomfortable around me. Hm.

I think we might hang out tomorrow, though. Which is good.

I also think I'm going to take a promotion at work. There are a lot of reasons that I want to; the only reasons I'm reluctant are that it's a bit more responsibility, and that I have to make a verbal one-year commitment to that position. I'm okay with that, really...it just goes against my tendency to not ever commit to anything. I'll probably have decided by tomorrow ....

I am eating a salad

I need to eat more salads and less Wendy's. This one is mesclun mix, cucumber, tomato, eggs, and cheddar cheese. With Ranch dressing. I forget how much I like salads.

I need to cook more and eat out less, anyway. Mom got me a subscription to this food/recipe magazine and I received the first one a couple of days ago. Lots of easy, tasty-looking meals in there. And cooking is generally cheaper than eating out all the time (those organic vegetables are expensive, though!). We had chicken quesadillas and dip last night, which I made. The dip turned out pretty well (made it a la Rosenbaum ... refried beans, cheese, sour cream, salsa...added some diced tomato and onion and red bell pepper). The quesadillas were okay. I used this frozen chicken breast and put fajita seasoning on it, but I didn't like it much. Oh well. Practice.

happy valentine's day!

it's 8:15 am and I'm lounging on the couch, watching the Simpsons and drinking coffee.

it's really good coffee, too. I went to Whole Foods last week to look at their coffee selection and found several different blends from Rembrandt's, a coffee shop in Chattanooga. it's a damn good coffee shop, and they roast their own beans and all. that coffee shop is one of the reasons that I toy with thinking about moving to Chattanooga every now and then. it's such a good city.

but this coffee is really good, which means that I didn't grind the beans too finely, that I got the water to coffee ratio right, that the water was at the right point between simmering and boiling...etc. Anyway, it's good.

but I'm awake and watching TV this early in the morning because I had to go in to open the store this morning. my GM takes the bus and it doesn't run out to Belle Meade until around 7am. and we open at 6:30. I'm closing today...which isn't so exciting because I don't like any of the closers. oh well.

so I left work after James got there at 7, and then decided that I wanted breakfast. so I stopped by Kroger and bought some bacon (because I love it!), some orange juice, bread, and some strawberry jam. I already had eggs and tomatoes. and Mmmm, it was good.

(yeah. so I'm in love, and I like it. btw.)

I've been trying to keep my apartment cleaner lately. a couple of reasons motivate me; for one, Matt's here all the time and sometimes I don't like other people thinking that I'm a slob. for another reason, I've figured out that I actually like being here a lot more when it's clean. makes me feel better.

life seems so surreal sometimes. I wonder why.

okay, I think I'm going back to bed now.

a new blog

I haven't been writing enough lately at all.

I always told myself that I would never let a boyfriend monopolize my time, but I'm afraid that promise was unrealistic. Or something. Because Matt definitely takes up all of my free time...and I'm actually fine with that, so far.

But anyway. I've been working a TON lately because 1) a bunch of people recently quit, and 2) everyone who didn't quit is sick. It hasn't been so bad because I'm not sick (I wonder what part of my lack-of-flu is because of the flu shot I got and what part is because of my healthy immune system)...and I'm going to have a fuck ton of overtime. Which will be GREAT because I'm sorta low on cash right now.

And as soon as I get paid, I'm going to a nursery to buy plants. I would do that today but, like I said, need to save my money for necessities (like gas and cigarettes).

I'm going to shower now. I think Matt's coming over in an hour or so. We're going to a park this afternoon, I think. It's such a perfect day for that -- BEAUTIFUL outside!

Katie, this post is for you. Of course.