some thoughts

So it's about 12:30 on Monday. I'll probably be leaving for work in about an hour...gotta go by the post office for much-needed stamps.

I am in love. And it's really weird. We've only been together for about 9 months, which really isn't very long at all. Before that, I was the most independent person you'd ever met; I drew fulfillment from myself, basically -- not God or work or anything. Just me. Now I draw fulfillment from Matt -- or at least, I do to a large degree. I mean, I can do stuff with friends or by myself and have a good time, but in the back of my mind I'm always wishing to be with Matt. (Sappy, I know. Sorry.) Is it bad? Is it good? I don't really foresee either of us breaking up with the other...ever? I'm happy and comfortable with him, and he feels the same about me. Did it happen too quickly? Nine months isn't very long...especially to be speaking (in vagueness and veiled terms) of marriage!

I was thinking on the way home from my Provence lunch excersion that I need more mysticism in my life. I miss it. A lot. I don't read much poetry lately...and worse than that, I don't appreciate the everyday beauty as much either -- just because I don't pay attention to it! Work totally bogs me down some days, but not every day. The big problem...is that Matt doesn't seem to notice beauty. He enjoys being outside, but for different reasons. We're so compatable, but our underlying motives are almost never the same. Is that a bad thing? Or does it matter? And why am I asking all these questions?

Maybe because I've been down in the dumps, so to speak. I'm trying to climb my way out by remembering what I've enjoyed doing before, and what has worked to pull me out of my past ruts. Reconnecting with nature and with god and with love -- the things that I truly believe are important -- seems to usually brighten my perspective on life.

I have no ultimate goals or dreams, though, other than the desire to be happy wherever I am. Ugh. I feel so lost sometimes. (When I don't feel lost, it's probably because I'm not paying attention.) I have Western ideals pretty much indelibly carved into my brain, and along with those ideals comes Christianity and all it's teachings. ...I'm reading a book called God's Problem right now, hoping that it will give me some guidance. The author is a well-educated Biblical scholar who used to pastor an evangelical church, but turned from all faith because of the problem of theodicy. I don't have such a problem with this issue -- I believe that the Bible is in no way Absolute Truth and don't have a problem reconciling that at all. But still. Where do I find guidance? How do I know?

Sorry this entry has been a little scattered. I haven't been reading or writing nearly enough lately. I really want to take control of my life and manager my time better. My life has been FLYING BY lately, and I don't like it.