what to have for dinner

I can't decide. I have steak and pork in the freezer. Here are my options.

1. Steak. (a) Pan-fired, with mashed potatoes probably -- I really love mashed potatoes. Um, onions. Green beans. (b) Stir-fry. Cut the steak into strips and cook it with bell peppers and onions, and I'm pretty sure I have some snow peas. Perhaps add some curry? I don't have any coconut milk, unfortunately. There's always soy sauce. And rice, of course.

2. Pork...hm. (a) I'd like to make Mom's barbecued chicken (or in this case, pork) and simmer the sauce down until it gets thick -- just to see how it turns out. We could have mashed potatoes, onions, and greens beans with this, too. (b) I could also cut it into strips and either fry or grill it. I think I like the barbecue sauce idea best, though.

3. Bread and Company. Yes, I could go for some tomato basil soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe the creamy turkey soup if we have it today. Somehow, I still don't have the soup schedule memorized.

flu shots and chocolate cake

I woke up quite refreshed after last night's inexplicable turmoil. My boyfriend loves me even when I don't make sense, which is very good.

I had to drive to Green Hills this morning to get a flu shot (complements of Bread and Company). It rained all day yesterday and I managed to dash outside mid-afternoon to roll up my windows. It didn't let up all night, so my seats were still soaking wet this morning when I went out there; I knew they would be so I brought out two garbage bags with me -- one to protect my jeans, one to protect my shirt. It worked well, but the humidity inside the car was such that my lousy defrost was totally unable to keep the windshield defrosted. I was constantly wiping away the condensation and sorta hunkering down as low as I could since the bottom of the windshield was clearer than the top. It was an adventure, and pretty dangerous too since a couple of my tires are almost bald.

Exciting, huh? I need a new car really badly. I wish I had some money to buy one. My Aunt Luci used to send us $50 savings bonds every year, and I figured out that mine are worth almost $300 right now -- not enough. Only one is near maturity (2014); the rest still have 20 years or so to go.

After the flu shot (from which I am suffering no symptoms, by the way...not even sore unless I touch it), I came straight home where I proceeded to slowly clean the apartment. It looks much nicer now. After cleaning the kitchen, I made a dark chocolate cake from Martha Stewart's recipe (the Food magazine Mom got me for my birthday last year). The cake is cooling in the kitchen now, and the ganache is in the refrigerator also cooling. It's not quite spreadable yet. I don't think I've ever made a ganache frosting, actually. We'll see how it turns out. The picture is beautiful....

I have Amelie on now as background noise, which it's perfect for since everything is in French.

It's only 1:30 now and I have no idea what I'll do with the rest of the day. Matt and I might end up going to Murfreesboro to see a friend of his. That might be enjoyable. We'll see.

hormones?

sometimes i feel very mentally imbalanced. my brain will tell me two things simultaneously: you're unhappy, and you have no reason to be unhappy so snap out of it. i usually blame it on hormones, which really would make sense tonight because i just started my period. but it's SO ANNOYING. and i can't do anything about it. i mean, i'm a rational person who doesn't go off the deep end because of her emotions. i guess i can control how people perceive my feelings, but not the actual feelings. i mean, a cleansing cry might be healthy now...but why? what am i crying about? i have no idea! i just...feel...sad!

poor matt is the catalyst a lot of the time. i don't know, maybe i'm subconsciously more annoyed at him that i realize. today, for example, he came home, sat down on the couch and opened the computer, and didn't get up until bedtime. which is incredibly annoying since in don't want to sit around watching tv all afternoon. i mean, i might as well be asleep. i know he was tired and i wasn't, since i slept until noon whereas he slept until 4:30am. but this happens all the time, even when we both work in the morning. i know i can say, "hey, let's do this," or simply amuse myself as i was so used to doing before meeting matt...but...i don't know, i just don't.

so, i mean, it's all entirely my fault. if i'm not willing to affect change, then nothing will change. duh. if i refuse to talk to him, he's not going to know what i'm thinking.

old habits die hard. i've never talked to anyone about my feelings so it's really hard. usually it ends up sounding bad whenever i do say anything...either i can't communicate effectively, or i just sound mad. so i don't usually speak up. sometimes i'll write something. but that's it. i'm learning, i guess, that i have to stop being this way. it's not good for either of us or our relationship. ugh.

have i mentioned that i don't like growing up?

Friday is still three days away...

Good morning.

I'm off today.

And tomorrow.

But am almost broke, again. I have to stop eating out -- that's what's costing so much. I checked my bank statement last night and it was $20 here, $35 there, $17 a different place, etc. So I'm probably going to stay home today and do free things, like clean. I might walk down to Kroger -- that sounds like it might be enjoyable. I'd just need to get some essentials like milk and stuff. Maybe I should plan out a few meals first.

Sunday was Andy Griffith Day (the fourth annual, I believe). Matt drove us to Knoxville because he's a dear; left Nashville around 8am and stopped by the church as soon as we arrived so that I could see old friends. Some of those folks I hadn't seen in quite a while! It's always pleasant (though sometimes can be nerve-wracking) to see everyone. They're all such nice people. (I should write Kathy Smith a letter....)

After everyone disbanded after church, we headed over to the house where lunch preparations had already begun. On the menu was hamburgers ("Naomi, the hamburgers are burnin'!"), baked potatoes (what Andy orders from the French restaurant -- I guess Mom isn't daring enough to fix escargot, which would be an appropriate dish since it also comes up when Peggy orders a dish for herself and for Andy), pickles of course, and apple pie for dessert. The pie was deliciously flaky because Anna Laura used lard in it. I mean, of course Aunt Bee cooked with lard..and bacon grease and all those awful fats. Yum.

We played the TAGS trivia game but Mom and Rosa were tied when we stopped. That game is always fun -- I wish there were people here who could play it with me. Ah, well.

Finally, we watched an episode of Andy on a projector in the back yard, which was pretty cool. I like watching things on the big screen. Matt and I had to leave after that, though, because we both had to work yesterday morning. Which means neither of us got much sleep that night, which is why Matt went to sleep at 8pm last night. Geez.

So that's what I did this weekend.

I've gotta get my car fixed. For real. Maybe this weekend? Matt's not being much help, which I supposed I expected...it is my car, after all. I don't know how to deal with mechanics, though, since I've never had to before. Gotta wait until I get paid at any rate, which probably will mean that I'll be broke for the next two weeks again. Blah.

That's enough...I can't think of anything else to say. Maybe I'll go back to sleep....

It's 9:30am. I woke up about 30 minutes ago. Unfortunately, I'm closing tonight, which always turns out to be better than I anticipate it to be. I should stop dreading it. I just checked my closing team and it's a good group of people. Shouldn't take us too long. (And why isn't "shouldn't" a word" For that matter, what about "isn't"? I use both of those words all the time!) Tomorrow I'm scheduled to open. I think Mark's been trying to get me to switch with him without actually asking me to... I haven't decided yet, though. It's either sleep in and get home late, or get up early and be home by 3pm. I like the latter better. Matt and I are driving to Knoxville Sunday morning for Andy Griffith Day, and this way we'll be able to get a good nights sleep? Or I will, anyway.

Eh, whatever.

So I was off yesterday too, and it turned out to be a pretty good day. I had lunch at Provence where I tried reading...but was unable to make myself concentrate for very long. (A bad sign, lack of discipline. I'll have to work on that.) After that I just came home and cleaned up, then ended up watching TV I think. Matt got home around 3 and we decided to go to Beaman Park for a hike through the woods. Ended up taking a wrong turn somehow which lead us to a newly constructed visitor's center (or something) that was locked and deserted. We walked down to the road and figured out how to get back to our original parking lot. Walking along the side of the road proved rather precarious, as there were not only no sidewalks, but in a lot of places there was no shoulder to speak of either. The cars were probably driving 50 mph through that stretch, too. Then, to compound our difficulties, we came upon some very mean-looking dogs who were barking and growling and were NOT on chains. They were so intimidating that we climbed up the side of the wooded hill on the opposite side of the road and hiked past them that way. I must have stepped in a million poison ivy plants, but don't itch this morning...which is good.

We finally got back to the car unharmed, though. Then went to Subway for dinner.

I haven't been watching enough Andy Griffith lately. I know I'm going to suck at the trivia game that we play every year. Usually I'm pretty good at it...but that was before Matt, who doesn't really like the show. He tolerates it very well if I want to watch it because he likes me, which is also the reason that he's going to Knoxville with me this weekend. I hope it turns out to be a good day. I'm a little bit scared to bring him to church, but we'll see. He's not very socialable.

Okay: I have four hours until I have to leave for work. Four hours is a while. How should I fill those hours? I really need to read Emma, but am a little scared to drive (car problems, you know) to Coco or anything. I might just have to deal. Of course, I could read here, too, but if I stay here I'm liable to fall victim to the temptations of TV and computer and sleep and all that goodness.

Speaking of TV and computer. I am unable to watch Grey's Anatomy online. It plays it, but the picture freezes up while the audio continues, make it impossible to watch. It's very annoying. I could do that all morning if I could just figure out how to get it to work.

You see, my bed is the most comfortable piece of furniture I have ever been in, especially if I've recently shaved my legs. The bed and pillows are great, of course, but the part that makes it so hard to get up are the organic cotton sheets. SO COMFORTABLE AND SOFT!!!!! You really should go buy a set. I bought these at Target. Occasionally they'll have them on sale, so you could get a queen set for $40 instead of $50, maybe. They're expensive, I know. But SO worth it -- if you don't already own two sets, as I do, making it impossible for me to justify purchasing more. (Oh, damn financial responsibility!)

I think that's all I have to say.