sometimes i feel very mentally imbalanced. my brain will tell me two things simultaneously: you're unhappy, and you have no reason to be unhappy so snap out of it. i usually blame it on hormones, which really would make sense tonight because i just started my period. but it's SO ANNOYING. and i can't do anything about it. i mean, i'm a rational person who doesn't go off the deep end because of her emotions. i guess i can control how people perceive my feelings, but not the actual feelings. i mean, a cleansing cry might be healthy now...but why? what am i crying about? i have no idea! i just...feel...sad!
poor matt is the catalyst a lot of the time. i don't know, maybe i'm subconsciously more annoyed at him that i realize. today, for example, he came home, sat down on the couch and opened the computer, and didn't get up until bedtime. which is incredibly annoying since in don't want to sit around watching tv all afternoon. i mean, i might as well be asleep. i know he was tired and i wasn't, since i slept until noon whereas he slept until 4:30am. but this happens all the time, even when we both work in the morning. i know i can say, "hey, let's do this," or simply amuse myself as i was so used to doing before meeting matt...but...i don't know, i just don't.
so, i mean, it's all entirely my fault. if i'm not willing to affect change, then nothing will change. duh. if i refuse to talk to him, he's not going to know what i'm thinking.
old habits die hard. i've never talked to anyone about my feelings so it's really hard. usually it ends up sounding bad whenever i do say anything...either i can't communicate effectively, or i just sound mad. so i don't usually speak up. sometimes i'll write something. but that's it. i'm learning, i guess, that i have to stop being this way. it's not good for either of us or our relationship. ugh.
have i mentioned that i don't like growing up?
1 comment:
When we won't explore our unpleasant emotional...stuff...it just grows and becomes more and more insistant to be dealt with. If we choose NOT to deal with it, our other choice is to live like robots or zombies.
Carla told me once that I was like a robot. She said it in desparate frustration, wanting things to be different. It started change in me. I WAS like a robot, but it wasn't because I really wanted to be; it was because I was trying hard to control my life/my heart.
Sorry to sound like a teacher or lecturer (if I do). These things I say because I think the emotions you are interupted by are things that are fighting to get out and be looked at. And when they do/are, your life will start to get better than it is now. This is my prediction.
I love you. I love you a whole lot.
Post a Comment