chapel?

I was supposed to be off today ... but our other manager who has been in Sweden for the last three weeks has not called...and his phone is off. So I have to close. Again. This job is just wearing hard on me lately -- it's too much.

So I went to see Dr. Hearn today. He had good news -- it may be possible for me to take either an online Bible class or an independent study class to get out of chapel probation. Apparently chapel is only required two days a week starting this fall, and because I'm unable to attend classes because of my work schedule, Dr. Hearn thinks this might work. Which would be GREAT. Dr. Reed changed the syllabus for the English Novel this year, modernizing the works a bit, which will make finishing that class more enjoyable (probably). I could officially graduate in December, get a new job, and possibly move. My verbal agreement with Bread and Company will be up in January, and so will my lease. Amanda's going to move out then. We'll see what happens.

I cleaned the kitchen today, went to see Dr. Hearn, and mailed a bunch of bills, but am not feeling any better really. But I have a wonderful, brilliant boyfriend whose hair looks like Alexander the Great's hair, and that does make me feel a bit better.

some thoughts

So it's about 12:30 on Monday. I'll probably be leaving for work in about an hour...gotta go by the post office for much-needed stamps.

I am in love. And it's really weird. We've only been together for about 9 months, which really isn't very long at all. Before that, I was the most independent person you'd ever met; I drew fulfillment from myself, basically -- not God or work or anything. Just me. Now I draw fulfillment from Matt -- or at least, I do to a large degree. I mean, I can do stuff with friends or by myself and have a good time, but in the back of my mind I'm always wishing to be with Matt. (Sappy, I know. Sorry.) Is it bad? Is it good? I don't really foresee either of us breaking up with the other...ever? I'm happy and comfortable with him, and he feels the same about me. Did it happen too quickly? Nine months isn't very long...especially to be speaking (in vagueness and veiled terms) of marriage!

I was thinking on the way home from my Provence lunch excersion that I need more mysticism in my life. I miss it. A lot. I don't read much poetry lately...and worse than that, I don't appreciate the everyday beauty as much either -- just because I don't pay attention to it! Work totally bogs me down some days, but not every day. The big problem...is that Matt doesn't seem to notice beauty. He enjoys being outside, but for different reasons. We're so compatable, but our underlying motives are almost never the same. Is that a bad thing? Or does it matter? And why am I asking all these questions?

Maybe because I've been down in the dumps, so to speak. I'm trying to climb my way out by remembering what I've enjoyed doing before, and what has worked to pull me out of my past ruts. Reconnecting with nature and with god and with love -- the things that I truly believe are important -- seems to usually brighten my perspective on life.

I have no ultimate goals or dreams, though, other than the desire to be happy wherever I am. Ugh. I feel so lost sometimes. (When I don't feel lost, it's probably because I'm not paying attention.) I have Western ideals pretty much indelibly carved into my brain, and along with those ideals comes Christianity and all it's teachings. ...I'm reading a book called God's Problem right now, hoping that it will give me some guidance. The author is a well-educated Biblical scholar who used to pastor an evangelical church, but turned from all faith because of the problem of theodicy. I don't have such a problem with this issue -- I believe that the Bible is in no way Absolute Truth and don't have a problem reconciling that at all. But still. Where do I find guidance? How do I know?

Sorry this entry has been a little scattered. I haven't been reading or writing nearly enough lately. I really want to take control of my life and manager my time better. My life has been FLYING BY lately, and I don't like it.

what will this day be like, I wonder...

I just woke up. It's 11am. I'm off today, but have a lot that I wanted to get done. However, I'm feeling dreadfully unmotivated and lazy right now. I'm going to have to make myself get out of bed. Oh well.

Right, so as soon as I DO get out of bed, here are the things that I need to get done. I'm typing this as a blog mostly for my own use; I don't have paper and pen within reach. Matt cleaned up yesterday.

1. Exercise. I may or may not do this. I've been trying to use that strange exercise machine that Kelli left and I never got around to getting rid of. It's better than nothing.
2. Shower.
3. Clean the kitchen and the living room. That shouldn't take more than an hour (they're both very messy).
4. Birth control. I have maybe two of the placebos left.
5. Write some checks, pay some bills.

Damn, none of that stuff looks any fun at all! Oh, for heaven sake. I don't want to do any of it except take a shower and get birth control. Then I want to go to Provence or something to eat lunch and read.

Okay, I'll compromise with myself. Maybe I'll do 15 minutes on the Gazelle (the exercise thingie), take a shower, do the dishes, then go to Planned Parenthood, and do the rest this afternoon. That sounds like a good compromise.

This is worth mentioning -- Matt and I went to Southern Thrift the other day (it was my whim; we were there for Dragon Garden take-out) and I ended up spending close to $50 -- a hefty tab for a thrift store, I know. I found a cast iron Martha Stewart brand skillet for $20 for one. The rest was spent on books. I think I bought five? There was a Edna St Vincent Millay book (collected poetry), a book of Robert Browning's collected poetry, a collection of the Sir Peter Wimsey stories by Dorothy Sayers, a history of Greece by Will Durant (I think), and a book called the Adoption Reader. I mean, what finds!!! I usually don't even both with books at thrift stores since they typically never have anything good.

Maybe I'll start the Dorothy Sayers after I finish this Carson McCullers book. The Adoption Reader is going to be hard to read. I started it the other night and had to put it down because it was making me cry. Well, it was making me weepy ... this made me start to cry --

Popcorn. Birthday cake. Packing school lunches: one sandwich, one fruit, one snack, one drink. Eating popsicles in the parking lot of the pool. Chocolate chip cookie dough. Flaming marshmallows held too closely to the coals.

I have cried over all the things I haven't gotten to share with him. I have cried over that child for twenty-one years. I have cried because I'm worried for him, and I have cried, knowing that he is the only one in this world who could chase away my loneliness.

So, yeah. You would cry, too.

Okay, enough of bed and blogs. Time to finally get up....

boondocks season 2 is out!

Things have been more interesting since I posted that last blog. I was in a funk that day, or something. Eh, it happens.

For the 4th of July, Matt and I hiked to the Stone Door, a crack in a huge rock which has been used to get from the top of the gulch to the bottom (and vice versa) for thousands of years. The trail is in South Cumberland State Park, and the particular route that we took was about 10 miles long. It was a great trail -- about 4 miles walking across the top of the ridge, 1 mile straight down to the gulch, another 4 miles or so along a dry riverbed (not dry the last time Matt hiked it), and then a mile straight uphill to the top of the ridge. The hard part was the straight uphill bit, of course. That didn't last very long, though I did have to stop frequently. Heh. We hiked it all in 5 hours, which really ain't so bad. I need to exercise more, though. For real.

Here's a sad story. (Kelli, this will answer your question about Atlanta.) So we saw on [adult swim] (I kinda like the way that looks) that Dethklok -- the band in Metalocalypse -- was touring and playing in Atlanta. So, on a whim, we got tickets. The website said that it started at 7:30, but that didn't really make sense -- probably it meant that the doors open at 7:30. Dethklok probably wouldn't go on before 9:30, surely. So we stopped off in Murfreesboro to chat with some of Matt's friends, and finally got into Atlanta around 8pm, maybe. To leave out some unnecessary details, by the time we got to the venue, they were playing their last song. It was extremely disappointing. I mean, seriously. What with tickets and gas, that was over $100 down the toilet. Sucks, right?

Oh well, I'm over it. What can you do? It was a joyless drive back, though.

And... oh yes, I got the cats neutered, finally. They certainly haven't been pissing on everything, which is a welcome change! They've kinda seemed to mellow out some, too. It's a little strange. Hobbes is snoozing between my knees right now, for example. Well, I guess that isn't really an example. But whatever. It only cost $60 for the both of them -- I was expecting more like $60 per cat.

Sarah's birthday is in two days. Janet keeps telling me that they're going to drive down to Nashville sometime this month.... I was kinda hoping they'd invite us to a birthday party, or something, but maybe that's too much. Sigh....